Wednesday, February 29, 2012


Here are just a few of my favorite pictures from my weekend in AZ:
Madie loved playing with my stuffed dog, Buster

The girls

Lil' miss attitude

Madie flying a kite on Monday when it was super windy

The girls licking frosting off utensils while making cupcakes

4 little monkeys at Jenny's baptism

One of my favorite pics overall. 

Okay, you got me, I have a lot of favorites. This doesn't even make a dent in all the pictures I got. More to come later! 

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Celebrating 22

I saw this post a while ago, and wanted to do it for my next birthday. Well, with everything that has been going on lately, I kind of forgot about it until this morning. But it's not too late!

To celebrate my 22nd birthday, I will try to do 22 different random acts of kindness. And to celebrate with me, I am asking everyone I know to go out and do a random act of kindness too! (Or more than 1, if you're so inclined). Then I want you to tell me what you did. Text me, email me, comment here or on facebook, let me know somehow. I'll post all about my random acts later on (you know, after I've done them all!). I wish I had posted this earlier, so more people would see in time, but really, even if you don't see this until after work, there's still plenty of time to do one simple thing.

So join with me in celebrating my birthday by doing one random act of kindness, and then tell me about it.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Well, my mom came to visit on Thursday night. She was able to stay until last night, and having her here was a huge help. Today I went to the doctor again, and everything looks clear, so I guess my body did what it was supposed to do. That's good at least; it means I don't have to have a D&C.
Today is the first day I've been home alone since Justin got home on Thursday afternoon. It's been hard, of course, but I've felt so much love and support from everyone around me. I haven't responded to everyone, because I haven't known what to say, but I appreciate everything everyone has done. Even if you just sent a text or commented on my last post, it has meant so much to me.
In other news, I probably won't be going on facebook much in the near future. I have many friends due right around the beginning of september, and right now it's just too hard to read their posts about doctor visits and see their healthy ultrasounds. I'm happy for them, but just can't put myself through reading all their posts. So if you want to get a hold of me, email or text work best, and I'll still read comments on my blog.
Thanks again for everyone's love and support and kind words. Feel free to send me a message or comment, something to read to keep me busy. I love you all, and will get back to more happy posts later in the week or next week.

Thursday, February 9, 2012


Not many of you know this, but in July I had a miscarriage. When I went in for my first doctor's visit today, the nurse had trouble finding my baby's heartbeat on the u/s. She had the doctor come in. He looked for it as well, but there was nothing. They aren't sure why it happened, since just a few weeks ago there was a healthy, strong heartbeat, but the head looked slightly larger than it should have been, which they think might be related. But it boils down to the fact that I'm going to have another miscarriage, as soon as my body realizes it's not a viable pregnancy.
Because I can't really express myself right now, I'm going to share something I typed up after my first miscarriage, back in July. It's a little detailed in some places, so if you have a weak stomach you might not want to read it. I just wanted to share a bit of what I'm going through, since I'm so far from family and can use all the support I can get.

"I doubt I'll actually post this, but I'm finally ready to put into words what happened to me this week.
Last week, on July 5th, Justin and I found out that we are expecting our first baby. Our due date was March 12, 2012. We could not have been happier. The baby was planned, and it seemed like a perfect fit; most of my last semester of college, I would be in my second trimester, which everyone says is the easiest. We would have the baby right before Justin's mom will turn 50. All very exciting.
Monday this week, I started having some light brown spotting. I wasn't too worried, because I worked in a drs office for 4 years, and know that I should only worry when it gets heavy, is bright red, and/or is accompanied by cramps. I spent time that afternoon with my sisters and four of my nieces, and enjoyed playing Just Dance on the wii with them.
That evening, right around 4, the spotting turned into bleeding - red, moderate-flow bleeding. I cried. And then cried some more. And then told Justin not to stop anywhere on the way home, just come straight home as fast as he could. He knew something was wrong, because I didn't answer his phone call. I couldn't bring myself to say anything, I was bawling too much. Justin got home, came into the bathroom, and saw me, bleeding. My heart was breaking in half. I knew there was still a tiny ray of hope, since it wasn't too heavy, and I didn't have cramps yet, but I think deep down I knew.
At 2:30am on July 12th, I woke up to heavy bleeding. Not anything heavy enough to go to the ER, but heavy enough to know. I again sat on the toilet, crying. I was on the verge of hyperventilating. Justin was still asleep in bed. I couldn't bring myself to clean up yet, so I got an unopened bar of soap out from the cupboard right beside me and threw it at the door. Seeing as how neither of us had been sleeping well that night (I'm amazed I had been able to sleep at all), it was enough to wake him up. He came out, and saw a sight that he was probably dreading. I knew it was all over at that point. I had scheduled an appointment at an OB/GYN for that morning, but since I was no longer pregnant, I knew my insurance wouldn't cover it. I would have to go to ASU health, since I did not have a referral.
I sat on that toilet for quite some time. It was the most miserable time of my life. I finally collected myself enough to put in a tampon, but that just made me cry more. I was supposed to be pregnant, not putting in a tampon. After another period of time, during which I tried to collect myself, I took the positive pregnancy tests from the previous week, which I had so enjoyed looking at every now and again, it gave me such a thrill finally seeing what I have wanted for so many years; I took the two tests and threw them in the garbage. That was hard. I knew I wouldn't want to do it later, and I was already bawling, but it made Justin start crying too. He had been so strong and supportive so far, but at that point, he broke down too. We were both so excited to become parents, and it was suddenly very real that our dreams were being taken from us.
After a while, I was finally able to leave the bathroom and come to the couch. Justin and I continued crying for a while, until it was finally late enough to call my parents. At 4:30, they got a call that anyone would dread. We hadn't even told them we were pregnant yet, planning to do so that evening at my sister and nephew's birthday party, since the whole family would be there. My dad came over on his way to work and he and Justin gave me a blessing. At a quarter to six, Justin and I climbed back into bed and went to sleep.
After a bit of a rest, we woke up and went to campus health. We went to the urgent care section, but soon a nurse came and took us upstairs. The GYN on staff there had a cancellation, and could see us herself. She examined me, and sent orders for an ultrasound and bloodwork. At that point, I was kind of numb, not really sure what to think. I knew what was happening, but she ordered the tests anyway, seemed to think there was a chance it was just implantation bleeding. I knew better, but followed along, figuring the tests might explain a reason for what was happening.
The imaging place was able to squeeze us in on our way home, and by noon, we were home, done with testing. Justin went to work that afternoon, I had already called out the evening before when the bleeding started.
My mom came over and kept me company until Justin got home, and Kristi brought us dinner that night, including some of my favorite foods to comfort me. When she walked in, we both started crying. She's the only one in my immediate family who has gone through a miscarriage, and she understood my pain. She told me that now our babies can play together. I still cry anytime I remember her saying that.
The following day, I got a call back about the bloodwork. I had already gotten a call about the u/s, which hadn't found anything at all. My dr said it could be because it is too early, or because of what I suspected. Well, the hormone levels confirmed my fears. The progesterone levels were surprisingly low, even for having miscarried, so my dr is going to check my levels in a month to see if my levels are always low. If so, I'll just have to go in right away when I get pregnant again and get a prescription for progesterone. I'm really hoping that's the problem, since it's easy to find, and easy to solve.
This week has been the worst week of my life. There is no way to describe the anguish I have felt as my baby, who I already love so much, has been taken away from me before I even get to meet him or her. I have shed more tears this week than ever before, and the pain does not go away. It is more manageable, and I have more hope than I did on the 12th, but it still hurts more than can be described. Anyone who has never experienced this cannot possibly understand what it feels like, and I hope and pray that you won't ever have to. For those of us who have had to go through this, you understand. There is nothing that makes the pain go away, nothing that will make you forget your precious little baby who you love so much. And I know that someday I will get to meet my sweet baby. The day that Kristi and I both get to finally hold our little babies, I know we will cry together again, more than we did this week. She has been such a great support to me. Other people have helped too, but having someone so close who knows what I'm going through has been more help than almost anything else. The only thing more helpful is my knowledge of the atonement, and having a Savior I can lean on for strength.
Earlier this week, the first day I had time alone, I was looking at a picture of Christ holding a man who is crying, and Christ is comforting him. I thought how nice it would be to actually hug him and be able to feel his comforting embrace. Then I looked around me and saw the little bag of chocolates Justin had bought me, the plate of cookies Kristi had made me. And I realized, he is hugging me. He's just doing it through other people. And I realized that all the efforts of those around me to comfort me and support me is how Christ is comforting me and supporting me. And it made me love everyone around me so much more.
This has been the hardest, most difficult thing I have ever had to endure. I knew, when I was a teenager, that the hardest thing I could imagine going through was having a miscarriage or losing my baby. And I've always had a fear that I would have to go through it, because I  knew it was the hardest thing I could ever be asked to go through. I wish I hadn't thought that, because maybe then I wouldn't have had to endure it. The worst thing, in my opinion, that can happen to a woman is for her to lose her baby. I hope and pray that I will never have to experience this again. And now, I just have to wait. I'll get my hormone levels checked this month, then try again. I didn't want to at first, not right away anyway. But then I realized that I should not sacrifice things that would help my other children just because of what happened. I have other children waiting to join my family, and I am willing to endure anything to get them safely here on Earth. I love my sweet baby so much, and can't wait to meet him or her. But I also can't wait to meet my other children. I thank my heavenly father for a plan which allows me to be united with my family. I will not do anything here on Earth to jeopardize my chance to meet that sweet precious soul that is part of my family."

Monday, February 6, 2012

January Blocks and Cheesecake Bars

As promised, I got to work on my quilt blocks this week. It's much more fun than unpacking, so it got done today :)

Here's Block #1: The Asterisk

Block #2: The Wonky Pound Sign

I don't have a square yet, so I "squared" them on my computer :) Neither of them are perfect, but they are much better than I was expecting (it helps when your expectations are really low!), and I'm rather proud of myself. I'm looking forward to learning a lot with this quilt.

And since I uploaded pictures from my camera, I will also show pictures of my yummy dessert from this weekend:
Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Cheesecake Bars

And to add variety, Blackberry Cheesecake Bars

I thought they were super yummy, but I have been craving cheesecake for weeks. It helps that it's low on chocolate, which sadly hasn't been as appetizing lately. If you're interested in the recipe, I found it here

Well, that's all my updates for the day. Thanks for reading!

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Adjusting to a new world

We didn't just move a state away. We moved a state away to California, where everything is different.
Here are a few examples of things we are having the pleasure of adjusting to:

1. Emissions testing is not called emissions testing, it is called a smog check, and it takes 45 minutes. The test itself, not the waiting. That's extra.

2. You can't buy lamps at IKEA, because all their lamps are not up to the California standards. Apparently they will only let you buy snooty lamps here.

3. No bountiful baskets. For those who don't know what that is, basically you get lots of produce for a good price, because a whole bunch of people go in together. Well, I'm guessing CA has some law that prohibits that too, because there is no listing for any CA locations on their website.

Aside from all the weird laws and regulations that make life just a tad more difficult, our time here so far has been really good. We have a really nice ward with great young couples in it. We've already had a couple over to our place to play games, and wouldn't you know it, they know what Killer Bunnies is! We're still unpacking, and Justin starts his new job tomorrow. He is so anxious to start; this gap where he hasn't been working (other than the work of moving!) has gotten him down a bit. He needs to have something to keep him busy and mentally engaged, so he's quite excited for tomorrow. I'm excited for him, and looking forward to getting into a routine again!

This pregnancy is starting to really kick in, too. Yesterday I started feeling really nauseous for the first time. I've had a little here and there, but I think morning sickness is officially here now. It's not fun, but at the same time it's reassuring to finally feel pregnant. I'm also starting to show a bit more, not that most people would be able to tell. I can tell though, and I definitely need to go pants shopping. Thank goodness I have skirts with yoga-style waistbands! They are so comfy right now. Those and pjs :) And with insurance kicking in tomorrow, I'll have one less thing to stress about.

All in all, life is good. We are adjusting to this new state where the laws are numberless and absolutely arbitrary, but we'll get used to it. I'll probably post again later this week, as I will finally be getting started on my January (and February) blocks of the month. Sorry no pictures, but thanks for stopping by!