Not many of you know this, but in July I had a miscarriage. When I went in for my first doctor's visit today, the nurse had trouble finding my baby's heartbeat on the u/s. She had the doctor come in. He looked for it as well, but there was nothing. They aren't sure why it happened, since just a few weeks ago there was a healthy, strong heartbeat, but the head looked slightly larger than it should have been, which they think might be related. But it boils down to the fact that I'm going to have another miscarriage, as soon as my body realizes it's not a viable pregnancy.
Because I can't really express myself right now, I'm going to share something I typed up after my first miscarriage, back in July. It's a little detailed in some places, so if you have a weak stomach you might not want to read it. I just wanted to share a bit of what I'm going through, since I'm so far from family and can use all the support I can get.
"I doubt I'll actually post this, but I'm finally ready to put into words what happened to me this week.
Last week, on July 5th, Justin and I found out that we are expecting our first baby. Our due date was March 12, 2012. We could not have been happier. The baby was planned, and it seemed like a perfect fit; most of my last semester of college, I would be in my second trimester, which everyone says is the easiest. We would have the baby right before Justin's mom will turn 50. All very exciting.
Monday this week, I started having some light brown spotting. I wasn't too worried, because I worked in a drs office for 4 years, and know that I should only worry when it gets heavy, is bright red, and/or is accompanied by cramps. I spent time that afternoon with my sisters and four of my nieces, and enjoyed playing Just Dance on the wii with them.
That evening, right around 4, the spotting turned into bleeding - red, moderate-flow bleeding. I cried. And then cried some more. And then told Justin not to stop anywhere on the way home, just come straight home as fast as he could. He knew something was wrong, because I didn't answer his phone call. I couldn't bring myself to say anything, I was bawling too much. Justin got home, came into the bathroom, and saw me, bleeding. My heart was breaking in half. I knew there was still a tiny ray of hope, since it wasn't too heavy, and I didn't have cramps yet, but I think deep down I knew.
At 2:30am on July 12th, I woke up to heavy bleeding. Not anything heavy enough to go to the ER, but heavy enough to know. I again sat on the toilet, crying. I was on the verge of hyperventilating. Justin was still asleep in bed. I couldn't bring myself to clean up yet, so I got an unopened bar of soap out from the cupboard right beside me and threw it at the door. Seeing as how neither of us had been sleeping well that night (I'm amazed I had been able to sleep at all), it was enough to wake him up. He came out, and saw a sight that he was probably dreading. I knew it was all over at that point. I had scheduled an appointment at an OB/GYN for that morning, but since I was no longer pregnant, I knew my insurance wouldn't cover it. I would have to go to ASU health, since I did not have a referral.
I sat on that toilet for quite some time. It was the most miserable time of my life. I finally collected myself enough to put in a tampon, but that just made me cry more. I was supposed to be pregnant, not putting in a tampon. After another period of time, during which I tried to collect myself, I took the positive pregnancy tests from the previous week, which I had so enjoyed looking at every now and again, it gave me such a thrill finally seeing what I have wanted for so many years; I took the two tests and threw them in the garbage. That was hard. I knew I wouldn't want to do it later, and I was already bawling, but it made Justin start crying too. He had been so strong and supportive so far, but at that point, he broke down too. We were both so excited to become parents, and it was suddenly very real that our dreams were being taken from us.
After a while, I was finally able to leave the bathroom and come to the couch. Justin and I continued crying for a while, until it was finally late enough to call my parents. At 4:30, they got a call that anyone would dread. We hadn't even told them we were pregnant yet, planning to do so that evening at my sister and nephew's birthday party, since the whole family would be there. My dad came over on his way to work and he and Justin gave me a blessing. At a quarter to six, Justin and I climbed back into bed and went to sleep.
After a bit of a rest, we woke up and went to campus health. We went to the urgent care section, but soon a nurse came and took us upstairs. The GYN on staff there had a cancellation, and could see us herself. She examined me, and sent orders for an ultrasound and bloodwork. At that point, I was kind of numb, not really sure what to think. I knew what was happening, but she ordered the tests anyway, seemed to think there was a chance it was just implantation bleeding. I knew better, but followed along, figuring the tests might explain a reason for what was happening.
The imaging place was able to squeeze us in on our way home, and by noon, we were home, done with testing. Justin went to work that afternoon, I had already called out the evening before when the bleeding started.
My mom came over and kept me company until Justin got home, and Kristi brought us dinner that night, including some of my favorite foods to comfort me. When she walked in, we both started crying. She's the only one in my immediate family who has gone through a miscarriage, and she understood my pain. She told me that now our babies can play together. I still cry anytime I remember her saying that.
The following day, I got a call back about the bloodwork. I had already gotten a call about the u/s, which hadn't found anything at all. My dr said it could be because it is too early, or because of what I suspected. Well, the hormone levels confirmed my fears. The progesterone levels were surprisingly low, even for having miscarried, so my dr is going to check my levels in a month to see if my levels are always low. If so, I'll just have to go in right away when I get pregnant again and get a prescription for progesterone. I'm really hoping that's the problem, since it's easy to find, and easy to solve.
This week has been the worst week of my life. There is no way to describe the anguish I have felt as my baby, who I already love so much, has been taken away from me before I even get to meet him or her. I have shed more tears this week than ever before, and the pain does not go away. It is more manageable, and I have more hope than I did on the 12th, but it still hurts more than can be described. Anyone who has never experienced this cannot possibly understand what it feels like, and I hope and pray that you won't ever have to. For those of us who have had to go through this, you understand. There is nothing that makes the pain go away, nothing that will make you forget your precious little baby who you love so much. And I know that someday I will get to meet my sweet baby. The day that Kristi and I both get to finally hold our little babies, I know we will cry together again, more than we did this week. She has been such a great support to me. Other people have helped too, but having someone so close who knows what I'm going through has been more help than almost anything else. The only thing more helpful is my knowledge of the atonement, and having a Savior I can lean on for strength.
Earlier this week, the first day I had time alone, I was looking at a picture of Christ holding a man who is crying, and Christ is comforting him. I thought how nice it would be to actually hug him and be able to feel his comforting embrace. Then I looked around me and saw the little bag of chocolates Justin had bought me, the plate of cookies Kristi had made me. And I realized, he is hugging me. He's just doing it through other people. And I realized that all the efforts of those around me to comfort me and support me is how Christ is comforting me and supporting me. And it made me love everyone around me so much more.
This has been the hardest, most difficult thing I have ever had to endure. I knew, when I was a teenager, that the hardest thing I could imagine going through was having a miscarriage or losing my baby. And I've always had a fear that I would have to go through it, because I knew it was the hardest thing I could ever be asked to go through. I wish I hadn't thought that, because maybe then I wouldn't have had to endure it. The worst thing, in my opinion, that can happen to a woman is for her to lose her baby. I hope and pray that I will never have to experience this again. And now, I just have to wait. I'll get my hormone levels checked this month, then try again. I didn't want to at first, not right away anyway. But then I realized that I should not sacrifice things that would help my other children just because of what happened. I have other children waiting to join my family, and I am willing to endure anything to get them safely here on Earth. I love my sweet baby so much, and can't wait to meet him or her. But I also can't wait to meet my other children. I thank my heavenly father for a plan which allows me to be united with my family. I will not do anything here on Earth to jeopardize my chance to meet that sweet precious soul that is part of my family."
